Days go by...

Age: 18 years (19 this year).

Status: N.E.E.T (not in employment, education or training).

Future Goals: Vague.

Current Goals: None.

Fucked meter: 101/100.

My father told me yesterday,"You need to grow up." And i Agree (not verbally mind you, it was simple a mental note). I do need to grow up. I need to look at reality with a magnifying glass burn in under the hot sun and do something about it because, I have for a long time now delayed the inevitable which is to say, the inevitable fact that i need to move forward. Caught in this conundrum owing to the fact that I delayed myself from applying to universities due partly because of my ignorance but mostly, incompetence. Since I did not apply, and have yet to (most of the application dates for many if not all universities are closed by now) for universities I am now forced to at earliest leave for a University next fall, or February, January. But either way, I feel fucked from all sides when most of my colleagues are leaving this fall.

That isn't the bad part. The bad part is that I cant see my future pass what I'm going to eat for the next meal. Apart from checking out requirements for universities, and mulling over whether or not I should try for an American varsity, I do nothing really. Some gaming here, a little writing there, substantial reading everywhere, and finally electric guitar practice. Other than that, I don't know what to do or where to go from here, afraid of the future is one thing. But not even having an inkling of what to do or what to expect is another. The fact is, my parents ever since high school ended, have given me a freedom unlike any before. I make my own damn choices, whether if its my education, religious belief, or future career they don't mind. As long as, and I quote,"You can do whatever you want. As long as its not against the law and you're the best at what you do." So being an assassin was sadly, out of the question.

I can be a plumber, just be the best damn plumber. So if I do have a year to do 'stuff'. I would like to explore my choices. So the first thing I'll do after my A-level results are released is - well to check it of course. Than the second thing would be! Well, that would be to choose a University and start applying. Okay.... so the third item would be!! Wait, if my results are awesome than I would like to prepare myself for an American University. Which would mean i would have to take a SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test).

Screw this, my goal is to get a frakking job right after everything is well and settled. Preferably one where I don't deal with people. A physically demanding job would be right up my alley. Although the pay might by abysmal, the job could be difficult, dirty, and dangerous. I might not have any qualifications whatsoever, all these problems are for the future. And as a good citizen I will worry about it when it actually happens, like global warming.

Age: Still 18, last time I checked.

Unless, as i was writing this a paranormal phenomenon took place whereby the time and space where my room was situated became slower as compared to the real world. Thus, years pass by when only seconds for me have and this weird phenomenon was observed by the world, news crewman came and the United Nations decided to study it by funding a group of scientist. A thousand years later forgotten and left in rubble that would make me 1018 years old! And after all the war and strife of the world I emerge from the mess that was once my house. My room of course untouched due to the time phenomenon which rejected all outside influences. As I walk around this fantastic future, with flying cars, and virtual space being entwined with reality observed by specially designed glasses while huge spacecraft's litter the night sky. I go to where maybank was, surprisingly its still standing! I find out that my balance of a few hundred Ringgit has fattened into a billion dollars! And than..... well that was dumb - back to reality *pururiiiiin*.

Status: N.E.E.T

Current Goal: Stuff.

Future Goal: A better future.

Fucked Meter: <100

Final note - sarcasm isn't easy to detect in ink, now is it?

Pururin!

After watching several episodes of the anime 'Welcome to the NHK'

I got addicted to this song.

Its so damn Moe it gives me the shivers, b-but, I cant stop. Instead the volume seems to rise every time I play it. Louder, louder!

puru puru pururin pururin
puru puru pururin puru pururin
puru puru pururin pururin

This aint much of a post, but here's a heads up: I'll be wrtiting an article about the fundamental differences between 'Nutella' and Peanut Butter. Prepare to be illuminated.

Talent.

A dumb friend once told me that; talent will always beat skill. Little did he know that skill is what talent becomes once it is hammered in the forge of hard work, determination, and persistence. As for me, I would like to believe that I have some innate talents. But do I really?

The success of others often eclipses our own self-confidence, be it from a story, word of mouth, the papers, a relative, or a friend. It dampens the spirit. Or worst, failure, it kills everything. When I see someone my age doing something extraordinary, I get that heart wrenching feeling, as if something or someone was squeezing my heart. Envy. Envy for success, especially for one such as myself who has nothing to show but mediocrity.

Hears a good one. Writing. From primary school I always felt comfortable writing and there is not a single year in my finals, where I did not ace my English. Never have I gotten a B. But, i didn't think much of this because considering that I lived in Malaysia I've always felt the standards of English in my country was low. If I were to have lived in the United Kingdom my English score may have been drastically different. But, it still made me pretty damn confident about myself.

During my SPM year, the final year of high-school. I sat for a little test called English Literature. I took it as an extra subject and through my arrogance I was cock sure that my minimum score would be a B, nothing less. A few months later, I get the shock of my academic life; English Lit: C. And that simple C in its bold letters had a whisper and it said,"You, are not capable. You have failed."

I was pissed and angry. Two years of taking this God forsaken subject and I'm rewarded with this? What was wrong? And to add salt to the wound, my friend whom himself took the same subject and went for the same class got a B. And that's not the sweet part, he did not, I repeat: Did FUCKING not answer (if my memory serves me right) two questions. I answered everything. I did the test without sickness, strain of mind, or stress. And yet a C? All that praise from friends and my dear teacher, all that work, all those pass year papers, told me otherwise. Was it all an illusion? Did I trick myself into this ill gained confidence? It was a wake up call. I questioned my ability and talent (if there was any). Every comforting word I ignored.

After the anger. Came, regret. I should have worked harder, I should have written more, I should have read more, I should have done something! English was always my forte (other than math), the fortress has been burned and pillaged what remained was nothing but ash. I decided to start a journal, and for the first time; I wanted to write. There was no homework, no test, and without the pressure of exams, I just wanted to write. It felt liberating. In the end, having talent or no talent didn't matter. I had passion. That passion settled once I started college almost immediately after my exams. One and a half year later, I'm back.

In the end, my definition of skill is simple: Something you wanted to do that you developed by yourself, with your own initiative, with the passion and will to shout out, "Talent or no talent, I will be good at this."

I wrote this, just to get it off my chest. And till this day, I have not forgotten the failure of that test. It still haunts me. So when I write, I don't think highly of my work. I eat criticism and swallow it. With the sole purpose to improve. Maybe failure was the right medicine for the arrogance that only the illusion of talent can manifest.

Okay, I've digressed way to much here. Skill born with talent is awesome. But, it shouldn't be the deciding factor of what you want to do. Hell what do I know. I'm stumbling in the dark just like everybody else.

A blank slate.

Often, I always feel, wasted. Time passes by so fast its hard to grasp it. And in the end, I blame no one but myself. I wasted today, yesterday, the whole week, all wasted on what? On a bloody game which i personally felt jaded playing. Its an addiction, this thing, always in need to be in front of a video game. Although i don't spend dozens of hours a week, I play a video game everyday. Without fail, whether its starcraft, diablo 2, Left 4 Dead, maybe a little civilisation 4, and my most persistent leech: Team Fortress 2.

I've been playing Team Fortress 2 since its release.

Not to brag, but I consider myself 'experienced' and pretty damn good. In fact being good at the game has its drawbacks. After every round of bloody fighting, the winning team gets a display of the top three players, listed as MVP's (most valuable players), its normal for me to be an MVP, to be at the top of the scoreboard or to be at least among the top four in the scoreboard. Because of this, being at the bottom frustrates the Hell out of me. When i started playing it was all about fun and losing once, twice, consistently, losing the whole damn day didn't matter. Now, being dominated (killed by an enemy player 4 times in a row) infuriates me, being at the bottom literally boils my blood. I swear, cuss, and get angry. For what? A fucking game?

At times, i wish i could wipe the memories I've had with Team Fortress 2 so that i could discover all its wonders again. However, after almost two years of the game I have neither mastered it nor grown rooted to it. Instead, i feel wasted. I wasted my time on this damned game which could go on forever. Its like a game of chess, the same board the same pieces, but it can be played in a thousand different ways.

I don't want to quit. But I feel that, I've had enough. Its time to stop. Since three o'clock today, I played TF2 till seven. And during that time i felt incredibly jaded, bored, sleepy, and tired. In a game, you're not suppose to feel sleepy unless: sleep deprived. And it was tiring because, it felt like a chore.

So from today onwards. I say sayonara to Team Fortress 2, L4D, and practically every game installed in my computer save one; starcraft. Why? Because i cant wait for the sequel and this game does not take as much time compared to the rest; roughly 20 minutes per bout. So its goodbye to Diablo2, TF2, L4D, Titan Quest, Crysis, Half-Life 2 (HL2), HL2: Episode 1, HL2: Episode 2, portal, Garry's Mod, Fallout 3, Call of Duty 4, and finally, Civilisation 4.

This immediate ceasing of gaming, feels exactly like how I stopped playing DOTA. One day, I was playing DOTA online. And i was losing. When the final scoreboard appeared i said out loud,"What the Hell am I doing? Fuck this," i walked away and never came back to it.

Blogging.

I hate personal blogs. But ironically, this IS a personal blog. I wont drone about the daily happenings of my life, instead, I rather write about whatever that comes to mind. Honestly, I wanted to start a topical blog but soon found out that the topics in which I wanted to blog about were already filled by dozens if not hundreds of much better qualified people. They have experience, talent, and many are professionally involved.

I'm talking about video game blogs. There are so many of these type of blogs its CRAZY! Not to mention, any press related gaming news can be easily accessed by the good journalist from Kotaku.com, in fact, blogging about gaming especially relaying news and such, is pointless for someone like me. Its also arrogant, I have neither the geographical advantage (living in Malaysia, an advantage would be living in America or Japan), nor the time and passion to write about, news. Ah journalism, how i hate it! Not to denigrate the profession, but i have always found journalism to be an 'unattractive' profession, and I will not digress further onto this.

After stroking out video gaming from my pad; the second idea was to blog about doing stuff, a How-To blog. However, a simple search with google typing: How-To will prompt thee to many websites all for the sole purpose of how to do things. I may still write about how-to do things here an there, but only if i find my discoveries that are 'illuminating', funny or just plain awesome.

The truth is; I just wanted to blog about the stuff that happens in my life which are, interesting, out of the ordinary, or the events in which I find myself happy to be in reality. Things that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The world is filled to the brim with relentless cynicism, so I rather not talk about the damned tribulation of my daily life. I assume, like me, people would like to read not only for an honest opinion but also a happy story/ event/ etc. Not to sound all corny, and hippy? But, I want to write in the respect that; there is a reader out there, and I believe that any passionate writer would want that reader to enjoy what he or she is reading. Enjoyment, I'm all for it. But it is not the main agenda of this blog. Putting a point a cross the board, or invoking a train of thought is a goal I would also like to achieve other than, humour and entertainment.

Topical blogging well simply put, I was blown out of the pool before actually swimming in it. In the end, i thought, F**k it I'm going to blog and that's final. So here it is. A personal blog, from Irfan. Your not so friendly neighbour, aspiring writer, and bum.

Here's a picture of me:

Don't i look asshole-ish.

One Final note; i also started this blog to improve my English. So please forgive my shortcomings. When it does occur, feel free to swear, call me an idiot, or just gently correct me in the Comments, constructive criticism is and always will be; appreciated.